i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
