I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
