So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
