theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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