I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
