the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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