She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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