my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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