Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
