I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
