I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
