my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
