I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
