not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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