oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize