Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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