Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
