my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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