I heard we made out
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
