Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize