remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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