You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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