Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
