curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
