You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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