If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
