Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
