Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
