Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
