I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
