There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
