yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
