pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
