you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
