the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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