My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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