I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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