I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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