Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
