I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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