you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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