Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
