I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize