someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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