you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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