Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I could make wine with my vomit
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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