I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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