I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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