He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
