using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
