My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
