none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
