why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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