Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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