I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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