True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
