remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
