your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize